Parenting Styles: Why the Popular Framework Might Be Missing the Point
For decades, we've been told that good parenting fits into four neat categories: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, or neglectful. According to research, authoritative parenting—high warmth, high expectations—is the gold standard. But what if this popular framework is oversimplifying one of life's most complex relationships?
The Problem with Parenting Boxes
Something is appealing about sorting parenting into tidy categories. It makes advice easier to give and seems to offer clear answers. Recent studies involving over a million children appear to back this up, showing that authoritative parenting consistently produces better outcomes (1,2).
But real families are messier than research suggests.
Diana Baumrind was a real trailblazer. We have to keep developing our thinking
Culture Changes Everything
Most parenting style research has studied white, middle-class Western families (2). When researchers look beyond this narrow group, the results get complicated fast.
The same studies that show authoritarian parenting leads to problems also reveal something interesting: in Black families, this style can build self-confidence and resilience (2,3). Suddenly, the "authoritative is always best" rule doesn't hold up.
What looks like cold, controlling parenting in one culture might be seen as loving protection in another. The warm responsiveness that defines "good" authoritative parenting might be expressed through actions rather than words, or extended family rather than just parents (2).
Every Child is Different
The biggest flaw in parenting styles? They assume all children need the same thing. But any parent with multiple kids knows this isn't true.
Your sensitive child might need gentle guidance, while your strong-willed child requires firmer boundaries. A naturally compliant kid might make any parent look "authoritative," while a challenging child might push the same parent toward stricter approaches.
The parenting style framework ignores these individual differences entirely.
Parenting Changes—Constantly
Think about your parenting over just one day. You could be patient and responsive during breakfast, firm about screen time limits, and permissive about that extra bedtime story. Which one is your "real" parenting style?
The truth is, effective parenting shifts based on:
Your child's age and development
The situation at hand
Your family's current stresses
What your child needs in that moment
Static categories can't capture this dynamic reality (4,5).
It Goes Both Ways
Here's something the parenting style research often misses: children shape their parents just as much as parents shape their children (4).
A naturally easy-going child might bring out more relaxed parenting, while an anxious child might lead to more protective responses. Your parenting "style" isn't just about you—it's about the unique relationship between you and each of your children.
What Really Matters
Instead of worrying about which parenting box you fit into, focus on what research consistently shows helps children thrive (1,4,6):
Connection: Having a warm, trusting relationship
Consistency: Being predictable in your responses
Understanding: Recognising your child's individual needs
Cultural grounding: Helping your child understand their identity and values
Flexibility: Adapting your approach as your child grows
A Better Way Forward
This doesn't mean throwing out everything we know about parenting. Children do generally benefit from parents who are both responsive and provide appropriate structure (1,6,7). The problem comes when we turn these insights into rigid rules.
Instead of asking "What's my parenting style?" try asking:
What does my child need from me right now?
How can I stay connected while teaching essential lessons?
What do my family's values look like in practice?
How can I adapt my approach as my child grows?
Can you pick the celebrities in these photos?
All speak of powerful parental relationships.
The Bottom Line
Parenting styles can be a helpful starting point for thinking about parent-child relationships, but they're far from the whole story. Real families are too complex, too individual, and too culturally diverse to fit into four simple categories (2,5).
Maybe instead of trying to be the "right" kind of parent, we can focus on being responsive to our unique children in our unique circumstances. After all, there's no perfect parenting style—but there might be an ideal fit between you and your child.
What's your experience? Have parenting style categories been helpful or limiting for your family?
References
Pinquart M. Associations of parenting dimensions and styles with externalising problems of children and adolescents: an updated meta-analysis. Dev Psychol. 2017;53(5):873-932.
Pinquart M, Kauser R. Do the associations of parenting styles with behaviour problems and academic achievement vary by culture? Results from a meta-analysis. Cultural Diverse Ethnic Minor Psychol. 2018;24(1):75-100.
Baumrind D. An exploratory study of socialisation effects on Black children: some Black-White comparisons. Child Dev. 1972;43(1):261-267.
Steinberg L, Lamborn SD, Darling N, Mounts NS, Dornbusch SM. Over-time changes in adjustment and competence among adolescents from authoritative, authoritarian, indulgent, and neglectful families. Child Dev. 1994;65(3):754-770.
Grey MR, Steinberg L. Unpacking authoritative parenting: reassessing a multidimensional construct. J Marriage Fam. 1999;61(3):574-587.
Dornbusch SM, Ritter PL, Leiderman PH, Roberts DF, Fraleigh MJ. The relation of parenting style to adolescent school performance. Child Dev. 1987;58(5):1244-1257.
Weiss LH, Schwarz JC. The relationship between parenting types and older adolescents' personality, academic achievement, adjustment, and substance use. Child Dev. 1996;67(5):2101-2114.
