A Father’s Day Weekend Reflection:

8 Sept

Maintaining Good Parenting Through Divorce and Custody Challenges

Writing about the challenges divorced fathers face in maintaining good parenting relationships carries particular weight during Father's Day weekend. This holiday, designed to celebrate paternal bonds, can be especially complex for fathers navigating divorce and custody arrangements.

For many divorced fathers, Father's Day may highlight the gap between societal expectations of fatherhood and the practical realities of limited access to their children. The research discussed in this blog becomes deeply personal during a weekend when fathers might be:

Celebrating with their children on a scheduled visitation day.
Missing their children because it's their ex-spouse's weekend.
Struggling with modified holiday arrangements.
Feeling the weight of being physically present but emotionally distant due to ongoing legal battles.

The timing underscores why this research matters beyond academic circles. There have been six elements of good parenting identified by professionals:

1. Insight and Self-Awareness Good parents understand their role, recognise their individual child's unique needs, and acknowledge their own limitations. They tailor their approach to each child's unique personality and seek assistance when necessary.

2. Willingness Combined with Ability. Effective parenting requires both the motivation to parent and the practical skills to do so. As professionals noted, "love is not enough"—parents need concrete capabilities alongside emotional commitment.

3. Balancing Daily Care with Long-term Development. Good parents meet immediate physical and emotional needs while fostering their child's potential for independence and growth.

4. Putting Children's Needs First This involves genuine sacrifice and protection, including making difficult decisions that prioritise the child's well-being over parental comfort or convenience.

5. Fostering Secure Attachment Creating emotional bonds through comfort, nurturing, and consistent responsiveness remains fundamental to healthy development.

6. Consistency with Flexibility Effective parents maintain stable boundaries and routines while remaining open to change, advice, and their child's evolving needs.

The Father's Crisis During Divorce

For divorced fathers, maintaining these parenting standards becomes exponentially more difficult. Research shows divorced men face psychiatric hospitalisation rates nine times higher than married men, with the period around separation being particularly critical.

The most profound challenge is what researchers term the "pervasive sense of loss of their children." In one study, eight of 48 highly involved fathers found intermittent visitation so painful they reduced contact to protect their own emotional well-being—despite continuing to experience depression and loss.

The Custody Paradox

Here lies a fundamental paradox: the very system designed to protect children's interests may inadvertently undermine good parenting by creating barriers to the consistent, involved fathering that benefits both children and fathers.

The Research Evidence:

Children who regularly see their fathers show better post-divorce adjustment
Fathers who maintain frequent contact experience less depression and greater satisfaction
Enhanced father-child relationships consistently reduce children's distress

Yet traditional custody arrangements often limit fathers to intermittent "visiting parent" roles that contradict several principles of good parenting:

Consistency becomes fragmented when fathers see children only on weekends
Insight into children's daily needs diminishes with limited involvement
Putting children's needs first conflicts with protecting oneself from the pain of limited access
Fostering attachment becomes challenging through structured visitation schedules

Navigating the System While Preserving Parenting

The research suggests several approaches that support both good parenting and father wellbeing:

Focus on Quality Over Quantity. When time is limited, fathers can maximise meaningful interactions by being fully present, maintaining consistent expectations, and staying attuned to their children's individual needs.

Advocate for Reasonable Access. The evidence strongly supports arrangements that allow for regular, substantial contact. Joint custody arrangements, where feasible, often benefit all family members.

Seek Professional Support. Given the high rates of emotional distress, fathers navigating divorce benefit from counselling focused on maintaining parent-child relationships rather than just managing personal trauma.

Collaborate Despite Conflict Research consistently shows that low conflict between parents correlates with better outcomes for children and improved father-child relationships.

The Bigger Picture

The challenge for divorced fathers isn't simply maintaining pre-divorce parenting standards—it's adapting those standards to new circumstances while advocating for arrangements that make good parenting possible.

This requires recognising that putting children's needs first sometimes means fighting for more time together, not less. It means acknowledging that consistency might look different across two households but remains achievable. Most importantly, it means understanding that the temporary pain of navigating custody proceedings serves the long-term goal of preserving the father-child relationship.

The research is clear: children need their fathers, and fathers who maintain meaningful relationships with their children navigate divorce more successfully. The challenge lies in creating legal and social frameworks that support rather than hinder this vital connection.

For fathers facing these challenges, the evidence suggests that persistence in maintaining relationships—despite systemic obstacles—ultimately serves the best interests of everyone involved. The goal isn't perfect parenting under impossible circumstances, but rather good enough parenting that preserves the fundamental bonds that benefit children throughout their lives.

References

Eve, P. M., Byrne, M. K., & Gagliardi, C. R. (2014). What is good parenting? The perspectives of different professionals. Family Court Review, 52(1), 114-127.

Jacobs, J. W. (1982). The effect of divorce on fathers: An overview of the literature. American Journal of Psychiatry, 139(10), 1235-1241. [Reprinted in International Journal of Family Therapy, 6(3), 177-191, 1984.]