What to Say to Your Child About Family Court: Practical Guidance Using "The Tiger Who Came to Tea"
When unexpected visitors arrive without warning—especially in the form of family court proceedings—children often feel confused, scared, and powerless. As parents and professionals, we search for ways to help children understand what's happening while building their resilience to cope with this disruption. One surprisingly powerful tool is Judith Kerr's beloved children's book, The Tiger Who Came to Tea.
In this story, a tiger arrives unexpectedly at Sophie's house, disrupts the family's routine entirely, and then leaves. Through this simple yet profound narrative, we can help children navigate the complexity of family court by speaking their language—the language of stories, feelings, and manageable change. This blog post offers specific, practical examples of how to apply the concepts from this book to foster resilience conversations with children during this challenging time.
Why "The Tiger Who Came to Tea" Works for Family Court Conversations
Before we dive into specific dialogue, let's understand why this particular book is so compelling:
The tiger represents unexpected disruption. Just as the tiger arrives without invitation, family court proceedings disrupt the normal rhythm of family life. Children don't understand why or what it means, but they feel the disturbance.
The family stays together through the chaos. Despite the tiger eating everything, breaking the routine, and causing mayhem, Sophie's family remains unified. They manage the situation together. This is precisely the message children navigating family court need to hear: relationships endure despite disruption.
Life returns to normal, but with a new understanding. The tiger leaves, routines resume, but Sophie has grown through the experience. She's learned that she can handle unexpected things. This is resilience in action.
The book acknowledges feelings without catastrophizing. Sophie feels surprise, concern, and uncertainty—but these are manageable. The world doesn't end. This helps children understand that their own big feelings about family court are normal and survivable.
The Foundation: Emotional Resilience Framework
Research on resilience indicates that children develop emotional strength through several key pathways. According to evidence-based approaches, resilience develops when children have:
Strong, consistent relationships (particularly with caregiving adults who remain calm and present)
Emotion regulation skills (the ability to name feelings and manage them)
Cognitive flexibility (the ability to see situations from different angles)
A sense of predictability and safety (even within change)
Opportunities to problem-solve (to feel some agency and control)
The Tiger Who Came to Tea touches on all of these elements. By using the book as a conversation starter, you're scaffolding these resilience-building blocks for your child.
Specific Dialogue: Using the Book to Speak About Family Court
Here are concrete examples of what you might say to your child, drawing directly from the book and grounded in resilience research:
Opening the Conversation: Naming the Disruption
After reading or re-reading the book together, you might say:
You know how in the story, the tiger came, and things became very different and surprising? The tiger wasn't something Sophie expected or planned for, but it happened anyway. Right now, our family is going through something similar. The court things happening with Mum/Dad and me—they're unexpected and a bit messy, kind of like the tiger visiting. I want to discuss to talk to you about this.
Why this works: You're using concrete, familiar language. The tiger is something the child already understands. You're not minimising ("it's no big deal") or catastrophizing ("everything is falling apart"). You're naming it as something unusual that happened.
Validating Confusion and Big Feelings
When your child expresses confusion or worry, you might say:
Remember how Sophie probably felt surprised and maybe a bit worried when the tiger arrived? She didn't know what would happen. She might have felt confused about why a tiger would come to tea. You might feel a bit like that, too, right now, and that's okay. When something unexpected happens, it's normal to feel confused or worried. Sophie felt that way, and she got through it.
Why this works: You're validating the child's emotions as usual, rather than labelling them as problematic. You're using the book character as a model—Sophie had big feelings, too. This is what researchers call "co-regulation"—your calm presence and understanding help regulate their nervous system.
Emphasising the Relationship Remains Strong
When addressing fears that the family will fall apart, you might say:
What I love about the tiger story is that even though the tiger ate all the tea and cakes and made everything messy, Sophie's mum and dad stayed right there with her. They didn't leave. They figured it out together. And even after the tiger left, Sophie still had her mum and dad. The tiger changed their day, but it didn't change their family. Right now, court things are happening with Mum/Dad and me, but what won't change is that I'm your [parent], and I love you. The court might change some things about how we spend time, but it doesn't change my love for you or that we're family.
Why this works: This directly addresses the child's deepest fear—that they'll lose the relationship. You're using the book's central reassurance: family endures. You're also introducing the concept of cognitive flexibility—the ability to separate one disruption (the court process) from the totality of the relationship.
Building Problem-Solving Skills and Agency
When discussing how to handle the changes ahead, you might say:
In the story, when the tiger ate all the tea and all the bread and all the butter, Sophie's mum didn't panic. She figured out what to do next. They ended up going to a restaurant instead. They couldn't have tea at home, but they found another way to be together. Right now, our family can't be the same as before, but we can figure out new ways to do things. And you get to help figure that out. What are some things you want to make sure we still do together, even if they happen differently?
Why this works: You're teaching problem-solving and giving the child a sense of agency. Research shows that when children feel they have some control and can contribute solutions, their resilience increases dramatically. You're also introducing the concept of adaptability—a key resilience skill.
Naming Specific Emotions: The Emotion-Coaching Approach
Using the book to build emotional vocabulary, you might say:
Let's think about how different people in the tiger story might have felt. Sophie probably felt surprised. Maybe a little scared when the tiger first came. But by the end, she might have felt brave—like, 'I made it through something weird.' Her mum probably felt calm and in control. Her dad probably felt protective. In our family right now, you might feel scared, angry, confused, sad, or all of those things at different times. All of those feelings are okay. They're like the surprise and worry Sophie felt—they make sense when something unexpected happens.
Why this works: This is emotion-coaching—one of the most evidence-based resilience-building strategies. By naming emotions and normalising them, you help children develop self-regulation skills. They learn that feelings are data, not disasters.
Addressing the Unpredictability
When children worry about what will happen next, you might say:
In the tiger story, Sophie didn't know the tiger was coming. She couldn't predict it. That must have felt scary or confusing. Things are happening, and I can assure you that you know what to expect from me. I will be honest with you about the changes. I will let you know ahead of time when things will be different. We might not know exactly what the tiger [court] will do, but we can make sure our time together is predictable and safe.
Why this works: Research shows that predictability is one of the most important protective factors for children in stress. Even when significant changes are happening, knowing what they can count on from their parent creates a sense of safety. You're differentiating between what's unpredictable (the court process) and what is predictable (their parents' presence and honesty).
Building Competence: "You're Stronger Than You Think"
As you help your child process the changes, you might say:
Sophie had never had a tiger visit before. She'd never had tea interrupted by something so unexpected. But she did it. She got through it. And I think you're like Sophie—stronger than you realise. You're going through something hard that you didn't ask for, but you're doing it. You're showing up. You're talking about your feelings. That takes courage.
Why this works: This builds what researchers call self-efficacy—the belief that you can handle challenges. By acknowledging the child's strength and effort, you're reinforcing their internal sense of competence. This is one of the most powerful resilience builders.
Practical Tips for Having These Conversations
Read the Book First, Alone.
Before you use the book with your child, read it yourself. Think about which scenes resonate most with your situation. This preparation helps you guide the conversation authentically.
2. Follow Your Child's Lead.
Please don't feel obligated to force the conversation. Read the book naturally, and let questions emerge. Children often reveal their biggest worries through what they ask about, not through direct statements. If your child asks, "What if the tiger never left?" or "What if the tiger came back?"—these are the moments to lean in and listen before explaining.
3. Try to Coach about Emotions
When your child expresses big feelings, remember the six-step emotion-coaching process:
Listen - Let them express their feelings without interruption.
Acknowledge - Show you understand ("That sounds scary").
Name - Help them label the feeling ("You sound angry").
Identify the cause - Connect feeling to trigger ("Because court stuff is happening").
Set boundaries - "All feelings are okay, but not all behaviours" (if needed).
Problem-solve - "What could help?" or "What do you need?"
The tiger story serves as a safe container for all these steps.
4. Repeat and Revisit
Children process experiences over time. You might have this conversation once, and then a week later, your child might say something that suggests they need to revisit it. That's normal and healthy. Each time you revisit, you're reinforcing the message of resilience.
5. Please pay Attention to Their Language.
Could you listen to see if your child starts using the tiger metaphor themselves? Sometimes children will say things like "This feels like the tiger came again" or "I'm being brave like Sophie." This is a sign that the book's framework has become part of how they make sense of their world. This is powerful.
6. Model Resilience
While teaching your child resilience through the book, remember that your own emotional regulation is the most essential model to set. If you remain calm, honest, and grounded throughout the court process, your child learns that resilience is possible—not just as a concept, but as a lived experience.
The Deeper Message
Ultimately, The Tiger Who Came to Tea teaches children that:
Unexpected, difficult things happen
Families can endure them
Feelings are manageable
People stay connected despite disruption
New routines can emerge
You can be brave even when you're scared
These are precisely the messages children navigating family court need to internalise. By using a beloved, familiar story as your framework, you're not just explaining what's happening—you're building your child's capacity to move through it with resilience.
Resources for Further Support:
Royal Far West Resilient Kids Toolkit: emotion coaching strategies and practical tools
Kids Helpline: 1800 55 1800 (free counselling for children aged 5-25)
Emerging Minds: Resources for supporting children's mental health during family changes
Your local family support service or school counsellor for additional guidance specific to your child's needs
