Dunbar High School students sit at Audi Field in Washington, D.C., during the class of 2021 commencement on June 23. One student's cap reads: "Against all odds 2021," in light of the challenges that virtual classes and other obstacles posed during the COVID-19.

Navigating the family court system is one of life's most challenging experiences. For mothers and fathers facing custody disputes, property settlement, or parenting orders, the emotional toll can be overwhelming. As a psychiatrist, I've worked with many parents who describe this process as the most stressful period of their lives. The good news? Research shows that resilience is not something you either have or don't have—it's a skill that can be developed and strengthened, even in the midst of this adversity.

What Is Resilience, Really?

Before we discuss building it, let's define what resilience actually means. Contrary to popular belief, resilience is not "bouncing back" unchanged, nor is it simply "toughing it out." Rather, resilience is a dynamic process—an evolving capacity to adapt to adversity while maintaining or regaining your mental health and, importantly, growing through the challenge.

This distinction is crucial for parents in family court. You're not aiming to pretend the situation doesn't hurt or to pretend everything is fine. Instead, resilience means you acknowledge the difficulty while actively adapting to it, managing your emotions effectively, and finding ways to move forward. Research shows that nine out of ten studies on resilience emphasise it as a process or capacity that develops over time, rather than a fixed trait you're born with.

The Building Blocks of Resilience

Research has identified several key factors that contribute to resilience. For parents navigating family court, understanding these factors can help you intentionally strengthen them.

1. Cognitive Flexibility and Problem-Solving

Cognitive flexibility—the ability to shift your thinking, see situations from different angles, and adapt your approach—is one of the most consistently identified protective factors. In the context of family court, this might mean:

Reconsidering strategies that aren't working rather than rigidly adhering to them.
Reframing setbacks as learning opportunities rather than catastrophes.
Focusing on what you can control (your preparation, your communication style, your self-care) rather than ruminating on what you can't (court decisions, the other party's behaviour).

When you're stressed and anxious, your brain naturally becomes more rigid. You may find yourself spiralling in circular thinking. This is where cognitive techniques become invaluable—breaking thought patterns, examining evidence for and against unhelpful thoughts, and consciously choosing more balanced perspectives.

2. Emotion Regulation

Family court proceedings trigger intense emotions: fear, anger, grief, and anxiety. This is entirely normal. However, resilience requires the ability to experience these emotions without being controlled by them. You can feel angry about the situation and still communicate respectfully. You can feel terrified about the outcome and still function effectively.

Effective emotion regulation doesn't mean suppressing feelings; it means managing them. It means:

Recognising what you're feeling and naming it.
Understanding what triggered the emotion.
Choosing how you respond, rather than reacting automatically.
Using techniques to soothe and manage intense emotions when they arise.

3. Self-Efficacy and Self-Esteem

Self-efficacy refers to your belief in your ability to handle challenges and achieve your goals. Family court proceedings often undermine this—your life feels out of control, decisions are being made about your future by others, and uncertainty is a constant presence.

Building self-efficacy during this time means:

Setting small, achievable goals and accomplishing them (even simple ones like "I will exercise once a week").
Celebrating competence in areas of your life you can control.
Reminding yourself of past challenges you've overcome.
Being intentional about your role: you are preparing your case, gathering documents, supporting your children—these are things you are doing and managing.

4. Social Support and Relationships

The most powerful protective factor is social support. Research consistently shows that people with strong supportive relationships are more resilient. Yet family court often leads to isolation—shame, confusion about who to talk to, fear of judgment, and sometimes deliberate attempts by the other party to isolate you from support.

Building and maintaining social support means:

Reaching out to trusted friends and family (even when you feel like withdrawing).
Considering support groups for parents going through family court (knowing you're not alone is powerful).
Working with a therapist or counsellor throughout the process.
If appropriate, maintaining healthy relationships with extended family and the children's other relatives.
Being selective about who you confide in—choose people who listen without judgment and are genuinely supportive.

Importantly, research shows that at-risk groups—which certainly includes parents in family court—respond particularly well to support-based interventions.

Evidence-Based Approaches That Build Resilience

Research on resilience-building is encouraging. Several approaches have demonstrated effectiveness:

Four-year-old Steven Portillo receives an outdoor bath at his home in Caña Brava, a rural section of the Santo Tomás municipality in El Salvador where there isn't any indoor plumbing. In recent years, women from Santo Tomás have become an unlikely band of water defenders, organising to fight water shortages.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

CBT has strong evidence for building resilience, particularly in high-stress situations. Through CBT, you learn to:

Identify unhelpful thought patterns
Challenge thoughts that aren't serving you
Develop more balanced, realistic perspectives
Build coping strategies

For parents in family court, CBT can help you manage anxiety about the process, navigate the complex emotions that arise, and maintain perspective during setbacks.

Mindfulness and Stress Reduction

Mindfulness-based approaches have demonstrated significant benefits for resilience. Mindfulness involves paying attention to the present moment without judgment or criticism. When you're anxious about court proceedings, your mind is typically caught in worry about the future. Mindfulness brings you back to now—where you're usually actually okay.

Practical mindfulness approaches include:

Meditation (even 10 minutes daily has measurable benefits)
Mindful breathing when you notice anxiety rising
Bringing full attention to everyday activities (eating, walking, listening)
Body scan practices to notice and release tension

Structured Resilience Training

Programs specifically designed to build resilience have shown modest but significant benefits, and these effects are more substantial among at-risk groups. These programs typically teach specific skills for:

Emotional regulation
Cognitive flexibility
Problem-solving
Social connection
Self-care and stress management

Family and Community Support Interventions

Research emphasises that the most effective resilience-building approaches are multisystemic—they work across multiple levels of your life. This means:

Structured support from family.
Community resources and services.
Professional support (legal, psychological, psychiatric).
Peer support from others with similar experiences.

Practical Steps You Can Take Now

Based on research, here are concrete actions you can take to build your resilience while navigating family court:

1. Prioritise Mental Health Support

Work with a therapist, counsellor, or psychiatrist who understands family law processes and can provide ongoing support. This is not weakness—it's essential equipment for this journey.

2. Develop a Coping Toolkit

Create specific strategies for managing difficult moments:

Physical exercise (research shows consistent exercise builds resilience).
Creative outlets.
Time in nature.
Time with supportive people.
Mindfulness or meditation practices.
Journaling.

3. Practice Cognitive Flexibility

When you notice yourself in rigid thinking patterns, deliberately practice flexibility:

Ask yourself: "What's another way to look at this?"
Separate facts from interpretations.
Focus on what you can influence.

4. Maintain Social Connection

Schedule regular time with people who genuinely support you. Could you let them know you need support? Be specific about what that looks like.

5. Build Structure and Control

Create structure in other areas of your life, such as exercise, sleep, meals, work, and time with children. When court proceedings feel chaotic, this structure becomes your anchor.

6. Manage Self-Talk

Please take a look at what you tell yourself about this experience and your capability. Deliberately cultivate self-compassion. You're going through something complicated—treat yourself with the kindness you'd show a close friend.

7. Focus on What Matters

Family court can consume your mental space. Regularly reconnect with what truly matters to you—your children's wellbeing, your values, your relationship with your children, and your own health. Let this guide your decisions.

A Final Word

You are not expected to "get through this" alone or unchanged. Resilience is not rigidity; it's the capacity to adapt while maintaining your wellbeing and growing through adversity. By intentionally building the protective factors identified in research—cognitive flexibility, emotion regulation, self-efficacy, and social support—you can navigate this process with greater equanimity and emerge not just intact, but having developed genuine resilience.

If you're struggling, please reach out to a mental health professional. What you're experiencing is significant, and you deserve support.

References

Chmitorz, A., Kunzler, A., Helmreich, I., Tüscher, O., Kalisch, R., Kubiak, T., Wessa, M., & Lieb, K. (2018). Intervention studies to foster resilience - a systematic review and proposal for a resilience framework in future intervention studies. Clinical Psychology Review, 60, 40-62.

Grotberg, E. H. (1997). The International Resilience Research Project. Research report. International Resilience Project.

Herrman, H., Stewart, D. E., Diaz-Granados, N., Berger, E. L., Jackson, B., & Yuen, T. (2011). What is resilience? Canadian Journal of Psychiatry / Revue Canadienne de Psychiatrie, 56(5), 258-265.

Horn, S. R., & Feder, A. (2018). Understanding resilience and preventing and treating PTSD. Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 26(3), 158-174.

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Masten, A. S., & Cicchetti, D. (2016). Resilience in development: Progress and transformation. In D. Cicchetti (Ed.), Developmental psychopathology: Risk, resilience, and intervention (3rd ed., pp. 271-333). Wiley.

Masten, A. S., Best, K. M., & Garmezy, N. (1990). Resilience and development: Contributions from the study of children who overcome adversity. Development and Psychopathology, 2(4), 425-444.

Ungar, M., Ghazinour, M., & Richter, J. (2013). Annual research review: What is resilience within the social ecology of human development? Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry and Allied Disciplines, 54(4), 348-366.

Vanhove, A. J., Herian, M. N., Perez, A. L. U., Harms, P. D., & Lester, P. B. (2016). Can resilience be developed at work? A meta-analytic review of resilience-building programme effectiveness. Journal of Occupational and Organisational Psychology, 89(2), 335-370.

Wu, G., Feder, A., Cohen, H., Kim, J. J., Calderon, S., Charney, D. S., & Mathé, A. A. (2013). Understanding resilience. Frontiers in Behavioural Neuroscience, 8, 13.